Favorite films

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  ★★★★

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  ★★★★

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  ★★★

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  ★★

Recent reviews

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  Enter the Void 2009

  Watched 26 Jun, 2020

  olga says:
  as a russian figure skater, i don’t really know much at all about drugs. i have a chance at going to the olympics one day and i really don’t think i can risk ruining that just because i’m vaguely intrigued by the idea of taking some mushrooms and meeting some entities from another dimension, you know? but i’m not an idiot and i know that drug experiences aren’t what the movies portray them as. i think there are two great films that convey the idea of what drugs are probably like: enter the void, and that terrible beatles musical across the universe.
  
  there isn’t a lot to say about either, honestly. one is a good trip and one is a bad trip. i think it’s likely that my bad trip would involve some kind of sexual encounter with paz de la huerta but she is actually my sister and it’s all a huge mess. i don’t know.
  
  this movie isn’t great. okay, fine, i hate it. we’re heading into a global recession and scarcity awaits us, what will happen if we somehow experience a shortage of colorful lighting equipment? what will edgy directors make then? probably something grey and dull like a fucking ilias lambrou movie. like we mentioned before, ilias lambrou should quit cinema. ilias lambrou should quit cinema and do some acid. gaspar noe can keep going.
  
  anastasia says:
  great double feature with detective pikachu. not as good as evolution (2015) but better than any music video britney spears has ever made, including her hostage-style instagram dance videos. paz de la huerta is a fucking angel. i met her at the chateau marmont once and she showed me a burn she'd sustained during a wax and i've thought of her at least once a week since then. enter the void is almost 3 hours long. it doesn't fly by. it feels like it's almost 7 hours long. if you eat an edible beforehand, it's even better. i'm watching my figure so i just prefer to deprive myself of all food for 48 hours beforehand so i enter a natural state of delirium.
  
  i wish more directors would shoot scenes from inside a vagina. maybe that's where the favourite (2018) fell flat.

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  The Killing of a Sacred Deer 2017

  Watched 23 Jun, 2020

  olga says:
  lame. ilias lambrou needs to quit cinema.
  
  anastasia says:
  i would rather watch bambi's mom get shot over and over again than ever see this film again. my first abortion was kinda fun, whimsical even, and my second abortion sucked (ugly doctor) but i would rather have both of those abortions in the same 24 hour period than ever see this film again. i would rather tongue kiss wes anderson in a perfectly symmetrical room in the museum of ice cream than ever see this film again.
  
  the most common complaint about this film is it "makes no sense" - untrue! it makes lots of sense, it's a 121 minute ad for botox. i spent a lot of time touching my forehead as i watched this film, and also a lot of time wondering why ilias lambrou was allowed to infiltrate hollywood and begin to abuse its actors. every film he's made after dogtooth has felt progressively less and less honest - the worst of this is the favourite (ask yourself why you like this film, and the answer is "lesbians" which is fine, but also sad), the best of this is the lobster ("what animal would you turn into hahahaha" is a dumb party question, but a party question nonetheless), the middle ground is the killing of a sacred deer, and there is nothing worse on this planet than apathy. i'm apathetic about the killing of a sacred deer. do i hate it? no. my hate before was hyperbolic. i probably wouldn't tongue kiss wes anderson. like maybe just so i could tell people i did afterward but not if the choice was between that or this film. did i get distracted in the middle of this review by a commercial for eye drops? yes.
  
  anyway... if you're about to watch this film, stop, take a breath, and torrent dogtooth instead. lambrou has peaked. his next film will probably be a marvel movie about erectile dysfunction and all you film fuckos will jerk off to it at the zoom oscars, so let's enjoy our peace while we have it.

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  I Am Love 2009

  Watched 22 Jun, 2020

  olga says:
  email olgasemenov@yandex.mail for an elaborate luca guadagnino murder fantasy.
  
  anastasia says:
  this film gave olga shingles. i fell asleep.

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  Twilight 2008

  Watched 21 Jun, 2020

  olga says:
  i ordered takeout from olive garden today and a woman in the parking lot was wearing a ‘team edward’ shirt. i talked to her about twilight and she made it known to me that today is edward cullen’s 119th birthday. happy birthday, edward.
  
  i’ve seen this movie three times. i’ve never seen the sequels and i’m not really interested in piecing together what happens later. personally it’s really hard for me to ignore how insanely beautiful this movie is. if cronenberg’s great masterpiece crash was made after twilight, i would want there to be a scene where the characters jerk off to the scene where edward saves bella from the car. truly an exceptional moment in cinema! the way they look at each other after he saves her life is both so bland and profound and urgent and empty all at the same time. i think that’s how you would characterize all romantic love if you were to look at it from a distance. maybe. maybe that’s just me, i feel hollow and filled up all of the time.
  
  the most supernatural thing about this film is the way that no one really looks like a person. they’re basically cartoons, aren’t they? cgi? so pale, so flat. how does robert pattinson’s hair look like that? what a feat. i feel so transported when i see this. it’s alchemy. i can’t believe there was a time when people listened to the band muse.

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  Three Colors: Red 1994

  Watched 21 Jun, 2020

  anastasia says:
  have you seen love actually? it's basically the same movie, but less annoying.
  
  olga says:
  i’ve never seen love actually.

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  The Virgin Spring 1960

  Watched 18 Jun, 2020

  olga says:
  ingmar bergman was an absolute fucking dullard.
  
  anastasia says:
  after i dropped out of high school i started dating a 32 year old music producer who played this film for me while he went down on me for the first time. after about 5 minutes of tepid licking, he asked very abruptly, "hey did you know this is what the last house on the left was based on?" i said, "no..." he said, "have you never SEEN the last house on the left?" i said, "no." he said, "holy shit, we gotta watch the last house on the left!" and stopped eating me out to find the dvd. he owned a lot of dvds. i will not be reviewing the last house on the left.
  
  olga is mostly right. persona is cool though.

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  Fat Girl 2001

  Watched 17 Jun, 2020

  anastasia says:
  reminds me of being 13 and having lots of intrusive thoughts about walking directly into traffic because i was so desperate for attention that the thought of a tragedy was inherently romantic. say what you will about breillat but she never sacrifices her lust for discomfort to placate her audience. fat girl is that bitch. probably would've been tiktok famous.
  
  olga says:
  my one qualm with breillat is that i sometimes watch her movies and feel like i’m watching a parody of a french film on an episode of the simpsons. but listen, listen, listen: it doesn’t matter. it doesn’t get any better than this. everyone else, pack your bags and postmates yourself a banana split.

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  Blame 2017

  Watched 16 Jun, 2020

  olga says:
  i like this movie. naz esfahani’s performance is reminiscent of sarah redding’s role in the virgin suicides. her work here reminds me of coppola in general, but more honest, more interpersonal, and maybe slightly less nepotistic? (or maybe not… how does naz pay rent? has anyone investigated it? ties to some iranian dynasty?) the visuals aren’t as strong unfortunately, but maybe that’s not really the point? i like this better than any coppola movie but i don’t like coppola. this movie could have been big with liberal arts students on tumblr, i’m not sure what happened.
  
  anastasia says:
  this film is free on youtube. here are some other things of higher quality that are also free on youtube: a 19 minute video of a man repairing a cold war era car horn, a 7 minute review of glossier hand cream, a 12 minute tutorial on how to break in doc martens that can be summarized with "suffer, bitch", a 10 minute video of jojo siwa buying every jojo siwa product in any number of consumerist hellscapes but most recently wal-mart, a woefully short 3 minute and 46 second video of a snail eating lettuce, anything you could make and upload yourself in the next 60 seconds.
  
  blame has the plot trajectory of a lifetime movie without any of the joy or poisoned donuts. nadia alexander and chris messina do the best with the wattpad fanfiction they're given to work with. naz esfahani is just kind of there. if you want a better movie to watch with the same energy, i suggest benny's video (1992) or a very brady sequel (1996).

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  Funny Games 2007

  Watched 15 Jun, 2020

  olga says:
  creepy and cool that haneke made the same exact movie twice. more people should do this. some more movies i would see readapted with the exact same script and cinematography: titanic, spring breakers, irreversible, twilight: new moon, scarlet johansson’s ghost in the shell, harry potter, brokeback mountain.
  
  anastasia says:
  creepy and cool that haneke inspired aronofsky to make the same exact movie twice. perfect blue (1997) is even better when it's about a menstruating swan monster. funny games (2007) is the hot cousin of funny games (1997) - sometimes you prefer being around your ugly cousin because she makes you feel better about yourself. sometimes you want to hang off the side of your couch and sigh, "why didn't haneke quit making films after caché? i wish i hadn't had trail mix for lunch today, i feel sick. everyone in funny games (2007) is so hot, and all i do is eat trail mix by the pound."

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  The Night Porter 1974

  Watched 13 Jun, 2020

  anastasia says:
  porn for people who think kat von d is hot.
  
  olga says:
  can’t remember if i’ve jerked off to this.

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  The Lizzie McGuire Movie 2003

  Watched 12 Jun, 2020

  olga says:
  consider this: somewhere in the world there is a girl who looks just like you and speaks in a whole other language and you cross paths and your life is changed forever. it’s a bit reminiscent of kieslowski’s double life of veronique but the soundtrack includes rupaul and various obsolete 00’s pop groups. hopeful. lovely. the scene where lizzie learns to lip-sync is terrifying.
  
  did your adolescence ever feel this joyful, anastasia? mine never did. i was on a lot of xanax. maybe disney films are there to remind us how miserable and isolated our lives are. and sometimes even a joyless russian figure skater can fall for the trap! cancel your disney+ subscription now and step out of your misery.
  
  anastasia says:
  no, i never felt youthful joy. i was too busy having my weight compulsively monitored by a stage mother with an addiction to gel nails. sorry. if cadet kelly was military propaganda perpetuated by the deep state, then the lizzie mcguire movie was a message to us all about the power of cloning. stay vigilant. stop sending your spit off to 23andme or you'll live to regret it.